Back to school

Just a quick update to say that all the children are back to school. Thank you for your prayers and support.

One day at a time

In the last few hours of Lee Anne's life I seem to recall that I took the clock off the wall in her hospital room. Maybe it was the tick-tock noise that became noticeable or perhaps I just wanted more time with her. She held on to life for her family but once she'd written letters to the children we prayed together that the Lord would take her to be in heaven. And amazingly she died peacefully in front of us all just hours later; her hand in my hand that I just kept holding although she was no longer there.

I replaced the battery in the clock, reset the time and hung it back on the wall and time began again. Grief still comes unexpectedly in tears every few weeks triggered by little things for me. The children go quiet and although we mention Mommy there is a gentle acceptance and I'm not able to attribute any negative behaviours or attitudes to the loss of their mother. We've been blessed with comfort in the knowledge that Lee Anne is in no pain, in a better place and that we will see her again one day.

Time does heal, some memories fade and new ones are made. After spending time with their cousins at the cottage, we took a family trip back to England for almost a month to spend time with my Mum, Dad, sister, brother and their families. We visited Warwick castle, went to Stratford upon Avon (where I proposed to Lee 20 years earlier) and then went to the south of France to a resort before driving into Italy to finally fly home from Rome. It was a time to "reset" ourselves as a new unit and learn to live without Mommy.

Since coming home the girls have all been to an overnight camp for a week and we've spent the last few weeks redoing their rooms and getting ready for school. And how could I forget ... we also got a puppy back on May 24th which is Lee and my wedding anniversary. Her name is Meredith and she's an Australian Shepard.

Thanks to your generous donations I've been able to hire a housekeeper/nanny called Nesha. She'll be starting next week when I go back to work too. The time off with the children and the Lords provision of Nesha is such a blessing for which I am so grateful.

Please pray for Nesha, myself and the children as we settle into our new routines and move forward one day at a time.

In Heaven

Thank you to everyone that was able to come and celebrate Lee Anne's life today and to those behind the scenes that made today possible.

We are overwhelmed by your love and support.

A rose for my beautiful bride in heaven...

.... a strong and courageous woman. As her life on earth began to draw to a close people commented more and more about her physical and spiritual strength. Almost everyone she came into contact with noticed that there was something different, something special about her. One young woman texted us that, “it was amazing to see the love your family had for one another and the power and strength of your faith”. A housemate back in Kingston years ago commented that Lee Anne and I were “trapped in our belief system” “that religion was cultural”, “a crutch for weak people”. Yet the life experience I’ve shared with Lee Anne has demonstrated and continues to show the intimate presence of the God, his manifest glory in our lives. Lee Anne had a great sense of peace and readiness to go to heaven. She died only a few hours after we prayed together for God to bring her home. Now that she is gone I am full of praise to God as Isaiah 57 verses 18-19 says “I will comfort those who mourn, bringing words of praise to their lips. May they have abundant peace both near and far, says the Lord who heals them”. Though I am deeply saddened at my personal loss, I would not have wanted to keep Lee Anne from heaven for a moment longer. Perhaps the children are still in shock too but they also have peace and confidence in the new way of life that stands before us. When I asked them what they will miss most about Mommy all replied, “we’ll miss everything about her Daddy”. Yet I know that God will enable me to be both a mother and father to the children something that Lee had no doubts about. In addition to the doctors and nurses that cared for Lee Anne, God has also given so many of you to support us with with meals, child care, finances and with new friendships for which we are all so very grateful. Even for making this service such a celebration of Lee Anne’s life. Thank you all

His kingdom reigns 

Funeral Details

Hello everyone,

Here is a link to the funeral details for Lee Anne. She passed away peacefully on Thursday, May 12th, 2016. The funeral is at noon on Wednesday, May 18th with a visitation beginning at 10am.

We’re all still in somewhat of a daze but thank you for your continued prayers and support. We’ve also been blessed by many of you who have brought or bought meals for us. It’s really appreciated. 

For the Lord

2:22 pm - Lee Anne Phair Cowley passed peacefully with Nick, Sandra, Wally and Jonathan at her side

"For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living."

Romans 14:7-9

5:30am - Lee has a rough night and is declining very rapidly now. She had to have extra medication every 2 hours throughout the night.

9:30am -  Lee Anne doesn't have much longer to be with us here on earth. The doctor advised that we all give her permission to leave and we have. She belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ as she has from the beginning to eternity.

As the scripture above describes Lee has never lived for her self alone, always giving of herself to others. 

Even in these final days and hours she wants to relieve our suffering as her own.

It's so terribly awful to die from this disease but praise God for the doctors, nurses and medications that make this transition from this world to the next as comfortable as possible.

11am - The infusion of pain meds continue to be increased with the addition of sedatives. This helps with the delirium caused by the imbalance of her body's electrolytes. She feels so cold to our touch yet feels warm in herself. 

Please pray for her to leave the pain of her earthly body and move to a joyful presence with the Lord.

As we drove back and forth to the hospital this past Saturday and Sunday she commented each time on the beauty of the Magnolia blossoms. Let us remember our beautiful times with Lee Anne as we continue to grieve and pray.

Comfort

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

1 Peter 5:10

Lee Anne had a peaceful first night in palliative care. We have a private room with nice view overlooking Alexandra Park.

The new doctor is excellent and spent over an hour describing how best to keep Lee comfortable.

To my amazement Lee had a burst of energy for a short time this morning and was able to write letters to the children.

Transition

"But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. "He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."

Job 36:15-16

11:31pm - now that we're in palliative care I get to have a sleepover with my beautiful darling wonderful Lee. She's fallen asleep now.

9:48pm - Jonathan, Lee Anne's brother arrived with freezie's and popsicles which Lee Anne enjoyed very much.

6:50pm - the girls and Noah said their goodbyes 😭  Lee comfortable and eating ice chips.

4:53pm - settled into room, Lee very sleepy but not in pain. Kids coming for a visit.

3:24pm - Lee is off IV fluids

1:15pm - pain pump is on and set at a low rate to start with. She can push the button and get a dose every 20 minutes.

12:45pm - we're scheduled to move to palliative care with the the next hour or so. A "pain pump" is also being set up so Lee Anne can manage the pain medication herself.

12pm - Please pray that Lee Anne's pain will decrease and that a new medication will help. We're waiting to be transferred to palliative care.

10am - Lee had a rough night

Under His Wings

"He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge"

Psalm 91:4

Lee's condition is deteriorating quite rapidly. The doctor has more than tripled her pain medication over the past 2 days. We're discussing moving Lee to the palliative care ward tomorrow and stopping IV hydration.

At the current time, Lee kindly asks that everyone stop sending her emails and text messages. It's not that she doesn't want to hear from you but she doesn't have the energy to reply. Sadly, she's also not up to receiving visitors anymore. I can be reached at 416 557-5700 or nick.cowley@gmail.com

We continue to appreciate your prayers for healing and comfort.

Mothers Day

For the second day in a row, Lee Anne has left the hospital on a "day pass".

We all went to the church at the girl's school today. We're back at the hospital now before the pain and nausea caught up with her. She's resting happily now.

The Mother's Day message focussed on one verse:

"The wise woman builds her house,

but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Prov 14:1

Lee Anne is truly a wise women. She has built a solid foundation in the children's lives, loved them even before they were born, working exhaustively for them, exemplifying what it is to be a godly woman; after her own mother, while at the same time providing encouragement for them.

I have quite the act to follow but am already seeing the fruits of her hard labour and unfailing love. 

9:00pm - Lee's had more pain today but we're staying on top of it now by increasing her routine amount of hydromorphone. The nurse also just told me that Lee Anne is a very strong and courageous woman.

10:30pm - Lee asleep, driving home listening to one of Lee's favourite songs "All I Ask"

Home for a few hours

Lee was able to come home for a few hours today. It was so good to spend family time just having lunch and watching the kids jump on the trampoline in our back yard.

She is alert and didn't throw up at all. If all goes well overnight we plan on going to Faithway church tomorrow to listen to one of our daughters sing.

One of her doctors told me what to expect over the next few days to weeks and it's so hard to comprehend. Just unbelievable.

Roller coaster

Today and yesterday weren't as good as this past Tuesday. As you can imagine the physical and emotional burden weighs heavily upon Lee and she's really tired.

Trying the pill forms of the medication didn't work as she couldn't keep them down 😢

We're still "living with" cancer but it's an up and down ride.

Please pray that Lee Anne will have the strength and motivation to come home this weekend for a few hours before returning to the hospital.

Beautiful day

It's a beautiful day and Lee Anne and I are planning on going for a walk/wheel chair in the park soon. Lee Anne loves to see the new green buds burst forth from the trees in spring time, her favourite season. She's had me out in the garden many times in early winter planting bulbs in the dark just before the ground froze. This is characteristic of her gift for planning beautiful things for the future.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.

That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God."

Ecc 3:11-13

Although very tired, Lee's also been able to keep her fluids down so far today. She likes blue freezie's. The NG tube was also switched yesterday from continuous suction to gravity drain. These are good signs in terms of Lee Anne's comfort.

Tonight, we're also looking forward to seeing Kathryn, Lee Anne's sister who's flying in from Germany today.

3:10pm - Lee did go for a walk with two friends that came by. She was happy to be unteathered for a while. She's now eating some homemade chicken soup and Cheerio's. Please pray that she can keep it down.

3:40pm - Lee Anne is on a lot of antinausea and pain medication but the doctor just saw Lee Anne and said that she is going to wean Lee Anne off IV and switch to the pill form for one of them. Although the situation could change I'm encouraged that we're moving in the right direction. Please continue to pray for her bowels to free themselves from the cancer so they can work again. She's sleeping peacefully now.

8:00pm - our oncologist dropped in to see us and said that "Lee Anne is doing very well". Although it's early days there was even talk of the possibility of "going home" for a few hours or even a day.

Encouragement

After a direct conversation with our ward doctor about what to expect and what decisions lie ahead, an encouraging reminder in pictures of words,

Tears welled up more frequently today as we try and come to terms with the severity of Lee Anne's inability to eat or drink. What we had thought was a single "mechanical" obstruction is in all likelihood multiple "invasive and adhesive" malignant cancerous growth binding Lee's bowels together such that they no longer function.

Thankfully the pastor from the girls school came to visit to remind us, amongst other things, of the Lord's Prayer, 

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."  Mat 6:9-10

So although we desperately want Lee Anne to be fully healed physically and should still pray for this, it's important to remember God's will and plan for all our lives. God did not cause Lee Anne to get cancer but works all things together for her good revealing His glory, His manifest presence and His love for us all.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Rom 8:18-32

The pastor also taught us that the Lord often refers to himself as a refuge, a stronghold, or a high tower, a safe, secluded place where we can go in times of trouble.

 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:9

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" Nahum 1:7

Many of you may ask yourself why God allows us to suffer and why He would allow a wife to be taken from her husband and a mother from her children. But it is more that God is bringing Lee to himself than taking her away from us. Moreover that will we soon follow her and be reunited with her again. Yes, we are sad and yes, the physical suffering is unbearable for Lee Anne at times, and yes we don't know why God is allowing this but we do know that His grace is sufficient for us, that we will get through this. Thanks be to God for the peace that passes understanding. 

I Will Remain

This scripture was read to Lee Anne today by the pastor and a friend from Lee Anne's parents church.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."

Phil 1:19-26

When Lee heard these words she too expressed being torn between staying with us and being with her Lord and Saviour.  For now she wants to remain.

It was written by Paul in a letter to the church in Philippi while he was in a Roman prison. My iPhone Bible app has a commentary that says this,

"To those who don’t believe in God, life on earth is all there is, and so it is natural for them to strive for this world’s values: money, popularity, power, pleasure, and prestige. For Paul, however, to live meant to develop eternal values and to tell others about Christ, who alone could help them see life from an eternal perspective. Paul’s whole purpose in life was to speak out boldly for Christ and to become more like him. Thus, Paul could confidently say that dying would be even better than living, because in death he would be removed from worldly troubles, and he would see Christ face to face (1John 3:2, 3). If you’re not ready to die, then you’re not ready to live. Make certain of your eternal destiny; then you will be free to serve—devoting your life to what really counts, without fear of death."

Along this cancer journey, Lee continues to tell others about Jesus and she drew comfort today from the words of Paul's letter. I'm so proud of her.

We anointed her with oil, took communion and prayed again for a complete and miraculous physical healing. So let not our hearts be downcast today but renewed with hope. I confessed that I had begun to doubt God but I am again confident of His plan for all our lives through Lee Anne's continued life or passing.

The Depth of Our Love

5:00pm - many of you are asking how the children are coping. Like adults, children experience and process prolonged grieving in junks and in different ways. Feelings of denial summarize all the kids responses so far but we've been told to expect anxiety, anger and conflict that may not surface for many weeks, months or even years. When we've told them about Mommy's cancer and the prognosis they don't say anything and have rarely asked any questions up until very recently. This morning one of them asked when Mommy was coming home and it shocked me to say that Mommy may not come home again 😢

Kids are resilient and want reassurance that they did not cause the cancer, that they can't catch it and that someone will continue to care for them. I've spent time with each of them to answer these questions after which time they bounce quickly back "Can I go play now, Daddy?" They also need their daily routine, regular activities and special events to look forward to. Someone invited the little girls for a sleepover tomorrow and this will be very helpful. When they came to see Lee Anne yesterday they all stared at the long tube poking out of Mommy's nose and just stood there stoically in silence rather than making polite conversation as we adults do. I've taken the older girls to an experienced counsellor this year for several sessions and will likely book some more to help them talk it out with a safe and neutral third-party if they want to talk. The children are also very slowly catching up with me in terms of fighting back tears when a thought occurs that cuts very deeply into our hearts and minds. It's like a "grieving parade to acceptance" with Lee Anne leading the way then myself, Wally and Sandra, the kids ... going on and on as we all face the excruciating emotional agony of Lee Anne's mental and physical suffering and our own personal loss. 

Yet God gives us each other for comfort, to restore our spirit and quench our anguish. As so many of you are doing letting Lee know the depth of your love for her is so precious at this time so please continue to text and email her.

3:00pm - Lee's oncologist dropped in and advised us to continue to let her bowels rest. Tomorrow we can temporarily turn off the NG tube for an hour to see if Lee can hold fluids down. She told us that obstructions sometimes take quite a few days to clear as parts of our bowels become "lazy" if we don't use them. I was anxious for Lee to start drinking and eating again but she said that it really doesn't make a difference whether Lee eats or not at this point. The key thing is waiting for gas. It's almost funny to think that so many people are waiting on a "toot" when we try to hide our own so often

2:30pm - finally saw our new ward doctor who reviewed Lee's chart from ER. Lee can take sips of clear fluids even though the NG tube constantly drains fluid from Lee's stomach

10:50am - At this point, Lee is still very tired and not up to accepting visitors just yet

8:00am - Lee had a good night but no gas yet. She has at nice, quiet room with lots of windows at the end of a hall with a NE exposure.

Relief

12:42am - Lee comfortable and more alert before a shot of Gravol put her to sleep. Sharing a nice room with a young girl and attended by a good overnight nurse. Hardly any fluid draining now through the NG tube. Had a chance to pray with Lee's new room mate and meditate on a few scriptures.

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalm 46:1

And as I write this,

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1Cor:55

As sad as this journey is, there is peace for Lee Anne and I. Such hope in knowing that God has already healed her spiritually,

He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1Pe2:24

So as much as we can still pray and should pray for physical healing, we can take great comfort in the knowledge that she is already healed with a new home in heaven waiting for her.

7:30pm - a brother reminded me that I was hungry and brought over a tasty home-cooked meal. He listened to me as I verbally processed all that is happening. The emotional intensity is immense, and it is all I can do but to let a few tears out now and again in fear of bursting a great damn of emotion that is building up like a giant reservoir. 

6:40pm - there was a mix up and we're back in emerg as the bed wasn't ready when we arrived in the ward. Color is returning to Lee's cheeks as she sleeps and the NG tube flow has stopped. 

For the first time in 5 days, I'm hopeful again that we still have some time left. Please pray that the Caelyx chemo has an effect and that Lee's bowels miraculously free themselves from cancer's evil grip. We want Lee's pain and nausea to subside and for her to be able to suck ice chips and have a few sips of water tomorrow without throwing it all up when the NG tube suction is turned off temporarily.

5:40pm - we've got a bed and should be going upstairs within 30 minutes. Lee's obviously not feeling good but is feeling the best she's been since arriving at the hospital. Our palliative care doctor came to see us on her way home and explained what we might expect to happen over the next 24-48 hours. Forgive the detail but please pray for Lee to pass gas!

4:00pm - the girls came to see their Mom after school and each gave her a little kiss. Jonathan and Queenie also came to visit and went home to help get the kids fed and off to gymnastics.

3:00 - Sandra and Wally went home for a fresh change of clothes and to unpack from their Florida trip (they drove straight back from Florida just days ago)

11:30am - I leave to take Alexandra to school 😢 while Sandra and Wally stay with Lee. Quite a few BM's!

10:15am - our pastor came to visit and pray with Lee, Alexandra and I. As sad as  Lee Anne's condition is, heaven is so much more than we could hope for or imagine. When the time comes Lee will fall asleep and when she wakes up, we'll all be together again in a timeless eternity. This is the hope for those of us who believe in Jesus for the forgiveness of our sin.

8:00am - praise the Lord, Lee's bowels are moving through again and she's starting having bowel movements! Although not conclusive, this indicates the blockage may have cleared. She's feeling really bad though and is weaker than yesterday.

Hospital

11:20pm - after some gravol, pain meds and a little something to help her sleep, Lee is feeling OK and falling asleep. Please pray that the obstruction miraculously clears itself in the night

9:45pm - the senior surgeon came to see Lee Anne and ordered a medication to reduce the amount of bowel fluid secretion. The NG tube went in, an X-ray was performed to check placement and Lee Anne is starting to feel a bit better

8:15pm - our oncologist came to see us on her way home. She explained that Lee  Anne is in a very serious condition but we can hope and pray that the "bowel rest" from the NG tube suction will allow the obstruction to clear. She also explained that the Caelyx works for 10-15% of patients and will attack the cancer for the next 4 weeks. We can also expect to be here until at least Thursday. Sandra and Wally have left to help get the kids to bed. 

8:00pm - the general surgeon came and advised that any form of surgery is not an option at this point. What we thought was fluid is actually 4-5m of swollen upper bowel. The nasal gastric (NG) tube will give Lee Anne considerable relief as it will suction out her stomach and the contents of her bowels too. 

7:00pm - CAT scan shows blockage. Lee being admitted to hospital. General surgeon and palliative care doctor consulting on next steps. NG tube will be put in to stop the vomitting soon

4:30pm - waiting for CAT scan. Lee did a great job drinking the contrast dye

12:30pm - called ambulance and Lee taken to emergency department at Lakeridge Health, Oshawa. Sub-cutaneous meds not able to stop the nausea

12:00pm - Lee's palliative care doctor consulted with our oncologist and advised that we go to emerg

11:20am - second nurse came and successfully hooked up IV

11am - nurse came to give IV fluid but unable to get a vein

9am - vomitting continuing from overnight. Lee's tummy distended

-------------------

Hi, it's Nick and it's been a while since we gave you all an update. In short form, Lee's finished 7 rounds of "first line" carboplatin taxol chemo after the cancer's recurrence. Unfortunately as it's not slowing it down anymore we've just started "second line" Caelyx chemo. There's been two trips to the ER over the past few weeks due to nausea and we had to get her tummy drained due to ascitic fluid build up. The nausea is pretty bad after the Caelyx yesterday. It prevents her keeping the meds down. Lee's hooked up to an IV at home with two subcutaneous ports that we inject pain and antinausea meds into. The nurse visits have also started again. 

I've been off work for two weeks to care for Lee Anne and the kids full time. A dear friend of ours is also staying with us to look after the kids while I'm looking after Lee Anne and vice-versa. Lee Anne's parents just got back from a well-needed rest in Florida and will be staying with us again.

Please keep Lee Anne in prayer now as it looks like her condition is worsening and we may have to go back to the hospital.