I Will Remain

This scripture was read to Lee Anne today by the pastor and a friend from Lee Anne's parents church.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."

Phil 1:19-26

When Lee heard these words she too expressed being torn between staying with us and being with her Lord and Saviour.  For now she wants to remain.

It was written by Paul in a letter to the church in Philippi while he was in a Roman prison. My iPhone Bible app has a commentary that says this,

"To those who don’t believe in God, life on earth is all there is, and so it is natural for them to strive for this world’s values: money, popularity, power, pleasure, and prestige. For Paul, however, to live meant to develop eternal values and to tell others about Christ, who alone could help them see life from an eternal perspective. Paul’s whole purpose in life was to speak out boldly for Christ and to become more like him. Thus, Paul could confidently say that dying would be even better than living, because in death he would be removed from worldly troubles, and he would see Christ face to face (1John 3:2, 3). If you’re not ready to die, then you’re not ready to live. Make certain of your eternal destiny; then you will be free to serve—devoting your life to what really counts, without fear of death."

Along this cancer journey, Lee continues to tell others about Jesus and she drew comfort today from the words of Paul's letter. I'm so proud of her.

We anointed her with oil, took communion and prayed again for a complete and miraculous physical healing. So let not our hearts be downcast today but renewed with hope. I confessed that I had begun to doubt God but I am again confident of His plan for all our lives through Lee Anne's continued life or passing.

The Depth of Our Love

5:00pm - many of you are asking how the children are coping. Like adults, children experience and process prolonged grieving in junks and in different ways. Feelings of denial summarize all the kids responses so far but we've been told to expect anxiety, anger and conflict that may not surface for many weeks, months or even years. When we've told them about Mommy's cancer and the prognosis they don't say anything and have rarely asked any questions up until very recently. This morning one of them asked when Mommy was coming home and it shocked me to say that Mommy may not come home again 😢

Kids are resilient and want reassurance that they did not cause the cancer, that they can't catch it and that someone will continue to care for them. I've spent time with each of them to answer these questions after which time they bounce quickly back "Can I go play now, Daddy?" They also need their daily routine, regular activities and special events to look forward to. Someone invited the little girls for a sleepover tomorrow and this will be very helpful. When they came to see Lee Anne yesterday they all stared at the long tube poking out of Mommy's nose and just stood there stoically in silence rather than making polite conversation as we adults do. I've taken the older girls to an experienced counsellor this year for several sessions and will likely book some more to help them talk it out with a safe and neutral third-party if they want to talk. The children are also very slowly catching up with me in terms of fighting back tears when a thought occurs that cuts very deeply into our hearts and minds. It's like a "grieving parade to acceptance" with Lee Anne leading the way then myself, Wally and Sandra, the kids ... going on and on as we all face the excruciating emotional agony of Lee Anne's mental and physical suffering and our own personal loss. 

Yet God gives us each other for comfort, to restore our spirit and quench our anguish. As so many of you are doing letting Lee know the depth of your love for her is so precious at this time so please continue to text and email her.

3:00pm - Lee's oncologist dropped in and advised us to continue to let her bowels rest. Tomorrow we can temporarily turn off the NG tube for an hour to see if Lee can hold fluids down. She told us that obstructions sometimes take quite a few days to clear as parts of our bowels become "lazy" if we don't use them. I was anxious for Lee to start drinking and eating again but she said that it really doesn't make a difference whether Lee eats or not at this point. The key thing is waiting for gas. It's almost funny to think that so many people are waiting on a "toot" when we try to hide our own so often

2:30pm - finally saw our new ward doctor who reviewed Lee's chart from ER. Lee can take sips of clear fluids even though the NG tube constantly drains fluid from Lee's stomach

10:50am - At this point, Lee is still very tired and not up to accepting visitors just yet

8:00am - Lee had a good night but no gas yet. She has at nice, quiet room with lots of windows at the end of a hall with a NE exposure.

Relief

12:42am - Lee comfortable and more alert before a shot of Gravol put her to sleep. Sharing a nice room with a young girl and attended by a good overnight nurse. Hardly any fluid draining now through the NG tube. Had a chance to pray with Lee's new room mate and meditate on a few scriptures.

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalm 46:1

And as I write this,

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1Cor:55

As sad as this journey is, there is peace for Lee Anne and I. Such hope in knowing that God has already healed her spiritually,

He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1Pe2:24

So as much as we can still pray and should pray for physical healing, we can take great comfort in the knowledge that she is already healed with a new home in heaven waiting for her.

7:30pm - a brother reminded me that I was hungry and brought over a tasty home-cooked meal. He listened to me as I verbally processed all that is happening. The emotional intensity is immense, and it is all I can do but to let a few tears out now and again in fear of bursting a great damn of emotion that is building up like a giant reservoir. 

6:40pm - there was a mix up and we're back in emerg as the bed wasn't ready when we arrived in the ward. Color is returning to Lee's cheeks as she sleeps and the NG tube flow has stopped. 

For the first time in 5 days, I'm hopeful again that we still have some time left. Please pray that the Caelyx chemo has an effect and that Lee's bowels miraculously free themselves from cancer's evil grip. We want Lee's pain and nausea to subside and for her to be able to suck ice chips and have a few sips of water tomorrow without throwing it all up when the NG tube suction is turned off temporarily.

5:40pm - we've got a bed and should be going upstairs within 30 minutes. Lee's obviously not feeling good but is feeling the best she's been since arriving at the hospital. Our palliative care doctor came to see us on her way home and explained what we might expect to happen over the next 24-48 hours. Forgive the detail but please pray for Lee to pass gas!

4:00pm - the girls came to see their Mom after school and each gave her a little kiss. Jonathan and Queenie also came to visit and went home to help get the kids fed and off to gymnastics.

3:00 - Sandra and Wally went home for a fresh change of clothes and to unpack from their Florida trip (they drove straight back from Florida just days ago)

11:30am - I leave to take Alexandra to school 😢 while Sandra and Wally stay with Lee. Quite a few BM's!

10:15am - our pastor came to visit and pray with Lee, Alexandra and I. As sad as  Lee Anne's condition is, heaven is so much more than we could hope for or imagine. When the time comes Lee will fall asleep and when she wakes up, we'll all be together again in a timeless eternity. This is the hope for those of us who believe in Jesus for the forgiveness of our sin.

8:00am - praise the Lord, Lee's bowels are moving through again and she's starting having bowel movements! Although not conclusive, this indicates the blockage may have cleared. She's feeling really bad though and is weaker than yesterday.

Hospital

11:20pm - after some gravol, pain meds and a little something to help her sleep, Lee is feeling OK and falling asleep. Please pray that the obstruction miraculously clears itself in the night

9:45pm - the senior surgeon came to see Lee Anne and ordered a medication to reduce the amount of bowel fluid secretion. The NG tube went in, an X-ray was performed to check placement and Lee Anne is starting to feel a bit better

8:15pm - our oncologist came to see us on her way home. She explained that Lee  Anne is in a very serious condition but we can hope and pray that the "bowel rest" from the NG tube suction will allow the obstruction to clear. She also explained that the Caelyx works for 10-15% of patients and will attack the cancer for the next 4 weeks. We can also expect to be here until at least Thursday. Sandra and Wally have left to help get the kids to bed. 

8:00pm - the general surgeon came and advised that any form of surgery is not an option at this point. What we thought was fluid is actually 4-5m of swollen upper bowel. The nasal gastric (NG) tube will give Lee Anne considerable relief as it will suction out her stomach and the contents of her bowels too. 

7:00pm - CAT scan shows blockage. Lee being admitted to hospital. General surgeon and palliative care doctor consulting on next steps. NG tube will be put in to stop the vomitting soon

4:30pm - waiting for CAT scan. Lee did a great job drinking the contrast dye

12:30pm - called ambulance and Lee taken to emergency department at Lakeridge Health, Oshawa. Sub-cutaneous meds not able to stop the nausea

12:00pm - Lee's palliative care doctor consulted with our oncologist and advised that we go to emerg

11:20am - second nurse came and successfully hooked up IV

11am - nurse came to give IV fluid but unable to get a vein

9am - vomitting continuing from overnight. Lee's tummy distended

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Hi, it's Nick and it's been a while since we gave you all an update. In short form, Lee's finished 7 rounds of "first line" carboplatin taxol chemo after the cancer's recurrence. Unfortunately as it's not slowing it down anymore we've just started "second line" Caelyx chemo. There's been two trips to the ER over the past few weeks due to nausea and we had to get her tummy drained due to ascitic fluid build up. The nausea is pretty bad after the Caelyx yesterday. It prevents her keeping the meds down. Lee's hooked up to an IV at home with two subcutaneous ports that we inject pain and antinausea meds into. The nurse visits have also started again. 

I've been off work for two weeks to care for Lee Anne and the kids full time. A dear friend of ours is also staying with us to look after the kids while I'm looking after Lee Anne and vice-versa. Lee Anne's parents just got back from a well-needed rest in Florida and will be staying with us again.

Please keep Lee Anne in prayer now as it looks like her condition is worsening and we may have to go back to the hospital.